![]() Men who should be spending their retirement on the golf course plough through tortured metaphors and scattershot swearing with all the conviction of someone reading a menu. Uncanny, de-aged puppets of decrepit actors sputter dialogue that sounds like it was generated by an AI forced to watch Reservoir Dogs 3000 times. But really, all of this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to just how viscerally unpleasant the entire thing is. ![]() ![]() You’ll experience the entirety of what Crime Man Boss City has to offer in its opening hour. Outside of these delights, most of the time you’ll be doing far more straightforward turf takeover missions, which involve watching your guys get mowed down by a bullet sponge enemy that you lob grenades at until a nice chunk of the city map turns blue. Michael Madsen here, pictured in his Iconic Hat. Playing it as a solo stealth game reveals just how limited the cones of vision are, and with ample visual feedback alerting you whenever someone is glancing in your direction, nine times out of ten you can successfully ace a heist by finding an easy route to the loot (usually no more involved than going a bit to the left or a bit to the right) and crouching back and forth to the escape van. AI team members have a habit of blundering into plain view of cameras and guards. Before heading out to a stock warehouse or shopping mall, you can hire and equip up to four goons, each with their own particular quirks, who can be switched to on the fly or left at the mercy of a remedial bot intelligence.Īll of these options in regards to planning and crew building don’t really amount to much in the game itself - within an hour I quickly realised that the absolute optimum way to play this game is by doing absolutely everything yourself. Heist missions play out like an early alpha build of Payday 2, where telegraphed stealth takedowns aren’t guaranteed not to just clip harmlessly through a guard. Your route to domination is a series of bite-sized heist missions and more straight-forward shootouts, interspersed with some tedious book balancing and micro-management - usually via a stilted cutscene with your secretary, a tragically oblivious Kim Basinger who sounds like she’s only here under a court order. ![]() You’re here to take over the crime-ridden Rockay City - a metropolis not so much inspired by Miami as it is inspired by several-times removed inspirations of Miami seen in other try-hard videogames and movies desperate to capture the authentic sleaze and edge of late 80s/early 90s media.Įven the trailer somehow feels like it was assembled in a linen cupboard. You are Michael Madsen in a cowboy hat, a character you probably vaguely recall appearing in any number of middling crime movies released over the last forty years. ![]() Spiritually, it feels like a cancelled Xbox 360 launch game, an awkward artefact from a time when videogames were embarrassingly desperate to be taken seriously as adult entertainment.Ĭrime City Boss Man is a roguelike first-person crime shooter management sim with separate co-op campaigns because nobody involved could decide what this game should actually be, assuming it wasn’t conceived as an elaborate tax write-off. Aurally, it’s like being stuck in a Superdrug queue next to a tinny radio blasting out Absolute Radio 90s. Visually, it’s a sterile, overly-shiny migraine of cheap assets and muddy textures. Morally, the ‘accosted in a lift’ quality of the performances from its stunt cast of washed-up has-beens carries a grotty air of elder abuse. Crime Boss: Rockay City is a game that quite simply shouldn’t exist, for a litany of reasons. ![]()
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